I have always had a utilitarian relationship with music, but it seems with the recent breakthroughs in mind-body connection, they can produce more nuanced emotional responses that affect me on a deeper level.
Now this post is not about the nature of that musical connection, rather simply a brief post to share what musicly effective playlists I have built and the purposes.
This a list of my music playlists built for play on Music.Youtube. If you don’t have Ad-Free Youtube (Because Youtube Red is expensive at $10 per month per account) I highly recommend getting a Google Play Family Plan. It only charges $15 a month, and provides an ad-free experience for up to six accounts. You can read about that in greater depth here:
For all playlists I recommend Shuffle Play. Nothing was built to be listened to in order.
My Cognitive Speed Enhancers (CSE) Playlist. This has been my most effective playlist for whipping my brain into working shape. If you are just looking for something to get your brain pumping on all cylinders, look no further down the list. This is my equivalent of audio caffeine (Or Speed). Evolving from a playlist that originally composed of binaural and isochronic beats, which I found to be effective but worked too slowly, I then happened upon an artist group by the name of Jetfire, which seemed to have taken the audio building principles of those types of songs and incorporated them in faster Electronic Dance Music (EDM) songs. This is the mix that only uses such songs as I find them.
Hell Yeah Playlist. An earlier attempt at a more inspirationally focus mix. Still Effective, but given I put together the CSE playlist soon after it has been used less.
High Energy Playlist. My earliest high energy mix that I used for the very specific function of house cleaning. Not sure why but it seemed the perfect mix to keep me physically moving to clean.
Shadowrun Playlist. Shadowrun is a Pen and Paper Roleplaying game I’ve heard best explained to outsiders as Dungeons & Dragons set in Blade Runner. This playlist is a collection of darker mood, yet energetic EDM that fits the tone of a Dystopian Cyberpunk World, and that I enjoy when I am feeling in a more dangerous mood (Either when playing a game about criminals, or just working in a cutthroat corporate environment).
Shadowrun Combat Playlist. This one and the next are specifically tailored Flavors of Shadowrun -esque moods. This one featuring higher energy darker Synthwave.
Fallout Radio Playlist. This is a more unique flavor inspired by music heard throughout the Fallout Video game series. A mix of 50s cheerful nostalgia with hints of melancholy.
Creative Energy Playlist. This one is a personal favorite and my most used when looking for more creative mindset. It is a large collection of eclectic songs from different countries and musical backgrounds designed to spike curiosity and emotional inspiration.
This article is my introduction to Wim Hof and his cold training techniques for others and to record my own observations as I learn it more in depth.
Last Updated: 20190322
First an Introduction to Wim Hof and his methods is required.
Fantastic stuff, but the part that got me was the note at the end that anyone can learn the method and gain several health improvements from it. However like anything that can shock the body it does come with some warnings. From the man himself:
I first learned of Wim Hof in mid 2017 from Dave Asprey’s Head Strong book, where it was described as one of the best methods for improving overall mitochondrial health through the use of the breathing techniques combined with breath hold exercises to strengthen most mitochondria and kill off weaker ones improving the total output.
This was the more difficult exercise for me to regularly implement as while it requires a slightly less time commitment that a normal workout, I wasn’t making time for any. Most of my successful health work that year involved changes that didn’t take any extra time by replacing other activities, such as fasting replacing eating. So the cold shower aspect intrigued me but it took another video to convince me to really give a try as I really hated cold on my limbs:
Much of my research at the time was focused on improving my mental discipline towards the goal of increasing my capacity for change. This made the argument that the act of choosing the discomfort of a cold shower strengthened willpower with just the simple act of choosing to shift the knobfrom warm to cold. Other proponents of cold showers include Motivational speaker Tony Robbins and Bio-hacker Tim Ferriss.
A Cold Goal
As fate would have it, while exploring the prospect of cold showers I happen upon a radio commercial for the 2018 Maryland Polar Bear Plunge, something I used to think only crazy people did until my research had begun to show me the how and why of the benefits. And so that sealed it. I would sign up to do the crazy thing as another reinforcement. I picked up a book that featured Wim Hof, What Doesn’t Kill Us, by Scott Carney to read more about the benefits.
So began a month of cold showers followed by a month of easing off (Wim Hoffers are warned not to keep up the cold exposure while sick, and it was a long month of fighting off tag-teaming sick family) and two weeks of cold shower exposure before the plunge.
The result? Vastly improved cold resistance despite that my hands and feet still suffering tremendous pain and numbing in the cold water. But with the showers? A fantastic feeling everytime, once the cold shock wore off.
After that I continued taking cold showers every time for almost the rest of 2018, though I will admit that as soon as it warmed up, the coldest my shower would get was 75 degrees. It dropped off as another several rounds of fighting off winter colds were weathered (Having a toddler virtually guarantees it, though I think fared better than others exposed to the same.) and the plunge approaches again.
Plunge 2019
This year in prep for the plunge I actually reviewed the newly updated material on Wim Hof’s website (The aforementioned Mini-Class) and learned some new methods for implementing cold shower training (Warm first, then cold, body part by body part, to avoid shocking the core and give the limbs time to seal in heat.) I am still fighting a mild chest cold with a week to go so we shall see what happens. Wish me luck.
Update 20190126 – Plunge & training success. Despite a 20 degree colder temperature (34 Degrees fahrenheit this year) than my previous attempt I still succeeded in full dunk with far less pain in my extremities and without the need to run out of the water before my ankles stopped working. Can’t wait until the next one!
Wim Hof Training 2019
Update 20190310 – As I find myself doing terribly at prioritizing to get through the online Wim Hof Fundamentals course (Over more pressing Work Certifications) an opportunity presented itself. A family friend informed me that a former co-worker of hers had become certified as a Wim Hof Method Instructor and was holding a class near me. You can read about it here. I’m enrolled and the course is currently sold out, so I’ll relay my experience after I complete the training.
Update 20190324
Great Class with Bob Soulliere of Breathe Your Power. I learned a great deal, enough that will probably require a follow-up article, for the purposes of these article I am please to report that with his guidance I complete my first 3 minute Ice Bath. The fact that I completed it at all given my discomfort with cold was great, but with Bob’s Guidance it was truly a meditative experience. Thanks Bob!
The following is a running list of the books that helped me make some changes in my mind by either gaining a deeper understanding of its workings or providing a new paradigm of thinking that rung true and stuck.
Last Updated: 20190102
Books that have literally changed my life
In my search for answers about myself and my life, these have the been the most impactful:
This was the big one for me and I think for anyone who might wonder why things are the way they are in their mind. This is a book on understanding trauma and and what it does to the brain. The big thing It made me realize is, that despite having what I thought was a “good” childhood I was not exempt from accruing psychological damage leading to mental disassociation, heavy compartmentalization, emotional detachment, and self-sabotaging voices. I highly recommend to anyone, but especially to anyone who suffered young or has been accused of being emotionally cold.
This was a recent read, but fits right into the “Was this written about me specifically?” category. Breaks down and explains so much on the nature of my people pleasing behavior, where it came from, and how I can fulfill the psychological hole that started me doing it in the first place. Reading it back to back with the Superior Man is a solid combination.
For those who want a quick overview of its points I found a good review video, but I highly recommend the audiobook:
I read this one first, but for others like me with people pleasing issues and who may not have such an insightful partner I would recommend to read this after “No More Mr Nice Guy.” That book explains well why we picked up such poor behaviors and tasks to strengthen the mentality against it. This book gives an understanding of feminine dynamics and how to interact with it to the mutual satisfaction of both.
A great overview video for those interested, but I feel every man needs a hard copy to regularly review:
This is the advanced reading following the other texts on male psychological development. For one of the founding text of the 90s Mytheopoetic Men’s Movement, it is very philosophical and a reader could use a good understanding of history and literature to order grasp its full message. However once one has that, it is easy to understand why the text was so important. It provides, by analogy of mythical stories, an outline of the journey of a man’s growth into manhood, and why it so often seems incomplete in this day and age.
I didn’t realize it until writing a recent article, but this book is what got me started on most of the successful physical changes I have made over the last 18 months, from Intermittent fasting, to gut health, mitochondrial health, brain health, inflammation, how foods interact with my system, and preventing pre-diabetes. This book helped me rethink about my how to improve my health in all kinds of new ways. As someone who kept having issues that the doctors found no definite cause for, and a decades long weight struggle, this provided the insight to find new tools and directions for finally achieving success. It simply did not stand out in my mind as a life-changer as most of those subjects required follow up research and other books, but upon reflection it all got started with this one.
Books that provided a paradigm shift
The following are books that if nothing else provided a few lessons that stuck and continue to influence me for the better.
This one has several inspiring points, but the two lessons that stick are all endeavors require more work than you think and the more important that all successful people take responsibility for everything that happens to them.
“Look, you need to take responsibility for all results. High performance, highly successful people take total responsibility for every outcome in their life. They never make excuses. They look to themselves for being the cause of situations—they don’t blame other people or other things.” – Grant Cardone
This has helped tremendously to shift mindsets towards recognizing what can be improved on and don’t allow blame and excuse making to rob you of results you can make happen.
Fantastic book that not only helped me be a better parent, but gave me a powerful tool for all interactions with everyone. The deceptively simply advice of “Connect Before Correct“. It means to ensure you have established an emotionally supportive connection with the other person before giving them the correction they need. This works fantastically for children, but indeed is great advice for anyone you are trying to get through to.
With the Netflix series just released I am reminded of the lessons this book provided, especially the lesson of “If it does not spark joy, why are you keeping it?” It us help cut away the chaff of junk from our home and indeed lives later on, but that deserves its own article.
While all the books on flow state by Kolter have been fascinating reads, this one completely changed my mind on the value of group relationships and the possible value of mind-altering substances to expand the mind and achieve new personal growth. Those who have known me for long time would know that is a drastic shift from the straight-edge introvert I was for decades.
This was my follow up to Head Strong to get more information on the validity of the Wim Hof Method. While it doesn’t focus exclusively on Wim, it provided enough insight to make me realize much was missing in our modern lives that weaken us physically and convinced me to consider extreme environmental challenges, like the MD Plunge.
I’ve lost a decent amount of weight about four times in my life. And all but the last were ordeals. If you just want my current successful system, just skip to the forth attempt. What follows is my long journey to find a system that actually worked for me and I hope for life.
My father warned me that at 18 my metabolism would slow and he sure seemed right. I went from a skinny 17 year old, 5’11”, weighing 180 to a 22 year old weighing 215.
First Attempt – Low Calorie Meals – Unpalatable
I probably would have gained more, but at 22 I was still fairly active with yoga in college, and two martial arts classes a week. In any case I could tell I was getting fatter, not just filling in to adulthood, so I decided to try and lose weight, but could not afford any systems (weight watchers, etc). So I chose meal bars. I replaced two meals a day for three months. 400 calories a day before a healthy dinner. Very hard on willpower and depressing. I did lose 15 lbs, and gained it all back within 6 months. So first attempt was calorie reduction and failure.
Second Attempt – Exercise – Unsustainable
At 23, I decide to join the Army to straighten out my career, I was still 215 when I prepped in November of 2003. I joined a 24 hour gym and went three times weekly, trying to build up my running speed which was below the needed Army fitness test requirements. I should have worked on my push ups as well, as I barely made that as well. Not sure of the actual reason, but at the time I believed it had been due to the earlier caloric reduction diet. We had a friendly push up contest a year early before that diet and I did 60. When I finally got into the Army I could barely due 20 in the initial assessment and had trouble breaking 35 until a couple years later. Science says I was not low enough in body fat to begin muscle loss so the true reason is unknown.
But back to the weight. Three months training and I’m at 210 in April of 2004. That was still too high to join and I still had to sit in a sauna for a day to drop to 206 to actually be allowed to join. Fast forward 4 months, despite several medical setbacks (Leg fractures, summer pneumonia, terrible exercised induced asthma) I graduate a svelte 202. The extra muscle mass helps my frame carry the weight as it slowly climbs back to 210 over the next year. A year in Korea and I over 220. All gained despite daily hour long workouts and annual fitness tests. I’m stronger, healthier, and carry the weight well, but still heavier than I have ever been.
Over the next 7 years I fluctuate between 230 and 220 with a couple drops to 210ish depending on whether or not a recurring knee injury affected my workouts. Nothing ever breaks below 208 until my weight gain is officially listed as an issue and I get placed on a special program to combat it. That program was two 1.5 hour workouts a day, 7 days a week for almost a year. I get down to 185 for the first time since high school in late 2012. But to paraphrase Dr. Fung “All diets work… in the short term. But most will also fail usually within a year” The army enforced 3 hours a day of exercise was untenable, especially once I separated from the Army in mid 2013. By late 2013 my weight is creeping back up despite calorie control. Following a huge superbowl feast I literally gain 12 lbs overnight that does not come off despite a return to good eating and continues to climb from there. So second attempt with exercise and calorie control, another fail. I thought maybe if I could just find the time to exercise like I did, I know I could bring it back down. But millions think that way with little success, and I was no exception.
Third Attempt – Poor Biohacking – A New Path
By 2014 I have reached 240 but manage to stabilize around 225 by 2015 and hold during my wife’s pregnancy, this time by trying to make use of new techniques involving types of food, my blood type, and min-maxing exercise. Biohacking. I encountered the term a couple years before in Tim Ferriss’s “The 4 hour body“, but finally was on my own to try and make use of its principles in 2014. I credit that book with helping prevent further weight gain during that time, but utterly failed to properly apply it after the birth of my child. The techniques involved attempt to eat the right combinations of food (mostly spinach, eggs, and beans for me), restricting high caloric foods to cheat days once a week, and working out big muscle groups in short timeframes a couple times a week. Easy right? When I started I lost 10 pounds quick, but then plateaued for several months, maybe losing a pound of two in and there only to gain it back on cheat days. A slow stumbling path towards even five more pounds.
I would consider the system a failure, results wise, but it did lead me into the world of biohacking and to“The Bulletproof Diet“ and its follow up “Headstrong“ by Dave Asprey, which, in addition to helping me recognize the inflammatory issues certain foods present, and the importance of mitochondrial health, introduced me to the mechanics of Intermittent fasting.
Forth Attempt – Finally a working solution, Fasting
So the forth major weight loss attempt begins in Oct of 2017 with me at my near highest of 245. I begin with a 5 day fast (my first ever) and then with skipping eating for 2-3 days a week and by the new year, I am down to an average of 210. Impressive early results, but I begin to plateau there for several months. I didn’t see this as a complete set back at the time for one critical difference.
Unlike all previous diets, I was in no way changing what I chose to eat. I wasn’t exercising extra either. So I had lost weight while still eating high caloric meals regularly. However by May I wanted past the plateau and thus began a 7 day fast, followed by a more structured daily fasting of at least 16 hours. This brought my average weight down to 200 by late July. I figured I was right on track to be 180 by the end of the year but that did not happen. Despite another 5 day fast in November bring me down to a new low of 190, the best I could manage by the end of the year was a new average of 195. Not a complete failure as even keeping your weight stable through the sugared holidays could be considered a success, However in January 2019 I decided to further investigate the mechanics of intermittent fasting to figure out where I could improve to avoid another six month plateau.
Forth Attempt refined – The basics of Fasting
So the mechanics as I already understood it was this:
When you eat, the food gets converted to glycogen in the liver and this in turn is what is used to fuel the body. Should you run out of glycogen, then, and only then, the liver will switch to burning fat as fuel source. This take an average of 12 hours since your last meal to occur. So every time you eat you reset the clock on how long it takes until you actually burn fat. So my current schedule of waiting 16-20 hours between eating windows meant I should be burning fat for an average of 4-8 hours a day. Further I also learned that the liver can only process so much sugar at once so eating too much at once and the liver will have the excess shunted into new fat.
However after reading the full text of “The Obesity Code” by Dr. Fung, the author who was cited so often for intermittent fasting I learned this was incomplete.
Forth Attempt refined further – The Real Culprit of Obesity
It is true that the fasting is required to allow time for the body to switch to burning fat, but that process can take as long as 24 hours to occur. Furthermore the main point of the fasting (And all effective diets) is not just fat burning, but the reduction in insulin levels. He points out the main culprit to obesity is insulin resistance which as two major effects in the body. First is the vicious cycle of increased insulin resistance causing the body to create more insulin. This can lead to type II diabetes and possibly worst (if a trim figure is your goal) the alteration of the body set weight in the brain. There is an actual mechanism in the brain that determines what your body composition is supposed to be, and high amounts of insulin and insulin resistance change that level to make you fat, even in the face of reduced caloric intake. It will simply reduce body energy expenditure to match the new reduced intake. This is the reason calorie reduction fails so often.
So his recommendation is the reduction of foods and eating times to reduce insulin in the body. Sugar and refined grains of course raise insulin levels more than healthier foods, but the food timing he argues is more important. Snacking he says is the worst thing one can do to lose weight. In the older three meal cycle, we got an insulin spike with each meal and it dropped before the next, never allowing the body to adapt a resistance and thus keeping normal insulin levels low. So when we snack we keep the insulin levels elevated the whole day raising our resistance and thus requiring more and more insulin as time goes on. This was probably my first major mistake as I maintain my eating windows. Once I opened my eating window, say at lunch, I would continue to snack until it closed after dinner. So rather than a window with two insulin spikes I had an eight hour raised level, probably keeping it higher longer during the fasting window. So add reduced snacking to new plan.
The second tip I gathered is to focus on keeping the insulin response lower overall if I want to bring the body set weight and my own weight down faster. To that end I’ll try and add more whole foods or at least fiber (Which binds to the carbs to reduce insulin response) and add apple cider vinegar daily with meals and after (Vinegar also binds to carbs, hence why it’s served with carb heavy foods in other countries’ diets, malt with English chips, or vinegar with Italian breads) and apparently can help bring down insulin in the bloodstream after meals.
My Dieting Systems:
The following is the tracking of the successful dieting systems I employed, their results, and their pros and cons. For all diets I weigh myself daily in the morning to see where I’m at (especially if I have eaten heavy the night before), but track weight loss on a monthly basis.
Oct 2017 to April 2018 – Short Fasts and Cheat days
Weight dropped from 245 average to 208 average.
2-5 day fasts followed by 2-3 eating days with with no restrictions on foods eaten during eating days. Most successful routine was 5 day fast followed by Fri-Sat eating days.
Pros: Easier to maintain fasts than initially considered, especially with a spoonful of Bulletproof Brain Octane Oil on fast days. No food restriction made for great feasts on eating days. Successful fasting gives feeling of mental strength and willpower. This also taught me my best lesson for successful weight loss:
“I find it takes less willpower to eat nothing, that it does to eat healthy. – Brent Reitze”
Cons: Difficult to schedule with social events, which meant skipping lunch meetings or dinner invites if it did not fall on an eating day or shortening the fast and not losing any weight that week. Very easy to wipe out gains made during fasts if eating days went longer than 2 days, meaning only a average progress of couple pounds a month with several setbacks. Also to be frank, bowel troubles often occurred if the fast went on longer than a day or two leading to discomfort once eating began again. It just seemed like my system needed food to keep things moving and without it, stuff got backed up. Might just be me as I have been diagnosed with IBS after a bad infection overseas. Could also just need more fiber on eating days.
May 2018 to January 2019 – Daily Intermittent Fasting
Weight dropped from 208 average to 195 average.
Daily intermittent fasting consisting of eating window of 4-8 hours (Depending if I have lunch meetings) with no change in type of foods eaten. Most successful routine was 2 hour eating window for dinner.
Pros: Super easy to maintain and modify on the go for lunch meetings. No real feelings of missing out and could easily maintain indefinitely. Many others simply consider this a way of eating rather than a diet and I agree.
Cons: After an initial success of 10 pound average drop over first few months, I plateaued fairly quickly. Not sure if this was simply due to increased confidence in diet and thus overly heavy meals or simply the increase in sugary foodstuffs October through December. Possibly both, but after reading The Obesity Code, I would put the culprit at the body set weight that needs another reduction in insulin levels to reduce further.
Jan 2019 to Mar 2019 – Extended Intermittent Fasting
Weight starting at 195 Average.
36 hour fasting (Meaning skipping every other day) with a reduction in refined sugars and carbs (Or at least increased fiber along with them) and daily doses of Apple Cider Vinegar, both with meals and at night.
I’ll document how this turns out, but I can already see the 36 hour windows will be more difficult to schedule, so will only be used for a short time to reduce body set weight before returning to Daily IF (Intermittent fasting).
Pros: Nice willpower boost and clarity of mind when actually in full keto (30+ hours in). Not sure if directly related, but positive body composition changes have continued despite no change in the scale.
Cons:It turned out to be even more difficult to schedule that my attempts last here. In part due to the increased number of social meetings (I have successfully quadrupled the number of social circles I regularly meet with, and have family visiting more often), meaning a lunch or dinner meeting practically every day. And while I keep those eating windows within 8 hours, they usually heavy and have a high number of carbs, meaning no weight loss.
Mar 2019 to Current – Intermittent Keto Fasting
Weight still at 195 Average.
If my I did not want to further limit my social interactions (though i have sat through a number of water glass lunches without too much awkwardness) I needed to reexamine the ways to improve both eating and fasting effectiveness. On the eating I began to understanding how I might achieve a more effective weight loss if I stayed in keto. In the past I’ve focused on the autophagy aspects of fasting, but I don’t think I’m normally fasting long enough to really see those benefits, just long enough to keep insulin levels from averaging higher. So perhaps if I focus on just the fat burning aspect, meaning I don’t eat anything that break ketosis (such as carbs), I can get the fat burning benefit of the 36 hour fasts while still eating daily.
We shall see.
Other Info:
Video overview of what Intermittent Fasting does to the body:
The IF (Intermittent fasting) is done daily. No food for at least 16 hours, (after dinner until the next day’s meal). That means nothing until dinner most days (You already went 8 hours not eating while sleeping so just keep it up.), and that’s usually a big meal, as you don’t need to reduce the daily calorie intake, the fasting time is doing the burning, not the reduced calories (see linked fitness guy who eats 4000 kcal a day.) some days I’ll start eating at lunch (say lunch meeting or weekend outing meal), but then the cutoff has to right after dinner (Instead of my usual snacking until 10) to maintain a 4-6 hour eating window, though I find it harder to stop eating once I start so waiting until dinner makes it easier to keep up.
*They key is maximizing the time between eating windows to allow time for the liver to run out of glycogen and switch to burning fat (ketosis). Typically takes 10-12 hours since last meal.*
Once you are burning fat, energy levels are usually not a problem as you are getting a steady stream of energy production. Just keep up water, black coffee, and maybe salt if you shed electrolytes quickly. Usually people don’t need the salt unless doing a longer fast (3 or more days no food, I’ve done 7 for the experience) but if I am feeling light headed (perhaps a low salt meal the night before), a salt packet is usually the answer. It also helps prevent constipation.
If you want an additional boost I also use Brain Octane Oil, which is a coconut oil derivative that does not break ketosis (no carbs) and helps boost ketone production (main product of ketosis). It also helps to control hunger and willpower issues (2 tablespoons a day is what got me through the 7 day fast with little issue). I have some at my desk if you want to try it. You can read on it here:
Fair warning, ketosis is warned to have some possible side effects (but the health benefits greatly outweigh them) which can include irritability ( I have not noticed this after I got used to it and the brain oil helped a lot there), ketosis breath and smell (you are burning fat which smells different, but it was not a big issue for me.), possible hair loss (some have complained of this online, possible related to testosterone boost many get from ketosis, though it is supposed to be temporary, My hair was already thinning before but I can’t say it was acerbated.) and possible diarrhea or constipation (the first as your body gets used to ramping up and down digestion and/or breakdown of toxins that have been long term stored in your fat, treat with activated charcoal. The second same, but you can offset with water, salt, magnesium and potassium) and keto flu (A feeling sick or down as your body gets used to it).
Pretty much all the symptoms go away as you get used to the new way of eating (This is not really a diet but a lifestyle change).
So most people just start by establishing an 8 hour eating window and reducing as they get used to it. Or you can pick up and get used to the Brain Octane Oil to help through the transition (Order online or it might be at whole foods).
It behooves you to take care of your mind. Good sleep and good eating go a long way, but some days will still feel off even with my latest life alterations (Continued interment fasting, general mindfulness, an end to complaining thoughts, and mindful morning rituals). It is these off times that will allow those less helpful voices to speak up again as it is hard to maintain the flow of a good working mind. The continued self-training of the mind will reduce their effectiveness, but you may still find yourself in their grips. But even here, taking the steps to remain mindful will help. Case in point I found myself having an off day. Most likely the result of the work going into rebuilding gut bacteria after a bad bout, and failing to get enough a sleep. Sleep tracker says it still shy of my optimum operating minimum for the second day in row. Interestingly the mindfulness has helped me recognize the big difference between enough sleep to operate and operating optimally. My general sleepiness from a mostly sedentary job I thought meant, as long I was up I was operating well, and being off was the result of the many annoyances of life. Amazing how great life becomes when you become mindful, grateful and don’t allow they naysayers in your mind to make up stories of victimization and irritation.
But back to the off day, and the indicators of the less helpful voices speaking up. I was in a bland mood. Not a bad mood, just a bland mood. The usual story of “poor me, I’m tired, and it will make my day hard” was one my first first successfully dropped mental stories. But then it left a bit blank with no negativity to fill my thoughts, but not enough mental energy to be excited things to do.
Or was I lacking in mental energy? I examined my thought processes. I kept looking at things to occupy my time, but not actually work on anything productive. I was feeling hungry, or in need of conversation or some other distraction. My willpower against food (until dinner) was holding, thanks to previous mindful work that noticed that food never made me feel better, just full, more hungry, and even more tired if it was too much sugar.
No this was not a lack of mental energy, but another story. I can’t work on this or that because I won’t be able to muster the concentration to get it done, and so I should just put it off. That’s when I recognized the procrastinator. That what sparked a bit of determination. I recognized that I was operating at less that peak efficiency, but that was no reason to think I could not get anything done. So I stopped and analyzed what I could do to just get started begin productive. So I started with basic physiological support. Feeling hungry? A bottle of water and some salt. Feeling achy? A quick round of stretching and breathing. And then to the mind. Feeling unfocused? Some speed metal (or whatever makes you feel powerful). Then to knock the foolish procrastinator’s story out. Get some stuff done. I started with my new favorite tool in this endeavor, task lists. First look for completed ones to check off. Done. Then bring them up to date. Done. Then add new ones. Done. Coordinate with email. Done. Clear old emails. Done. Write new emails. Done. Research tasks. Done. Make some calls on that research. Done.
I continued like this until lunch, then took a break to further recharge. This time with walk in the sun and some fresh air. I find that self-care may the most important and neglected skill many fail to schedule in. it is critical to remaining mindful and all the mental bonuses that provides. Done. Back to the office.
The small tasks, to include the self care, shut up the procrastinator. I felt productive and ready to engage larger tasks. So I began. A couple hours of flow later, I wonder why part of me thought I could not achieve this. Flow energizes.
So if you find part of yourself saying it can’t be achieved, recognize that part is just addicted to the rush of last minute work. Such rushes are a bit of a cheat to partial flow. But with mindfulness and proper self-care one can achieve flow far easier and without the need for external enforcement. And when you take that control in to your hands, you can shut that procrastinator voice up with greater ease.
Something has finally clicked. I feel strong again. I feel assured and confident again. My mind is quiet. No longer am I tormented by constant pecking of doubting thoughts and anxiety. How did it happen? Let me see if I can find the exact path. The day of transformation began as several attempts before had. I was faced again with my weaknesses and could not see how to cope. But I had few new factors to ponder that helped me work through it. Three factors if I recall. First the setup. When faced with my weaknesses the first symptom was a knot in my chest. Taut and painful it was unbearable as usual, but I was forced to choose new paths to deal with it.
Change Factor 1 – The coin on its side.
The first factor was the recognition of my usual two choices furthering my self-defeating attitude. My partner had said she needed me to be stronger and at first, I took that to mean she was unwilling to allow me to come to her for emotional comfort. But then I came to realize that I was not merely asking for comfort, I was unloading my emotional burden on to her, asking her to do the work of resolving it for me. The knot itself, I did not know how properly unwind. I only had two coping mechanisms, I needed her to release it or I had to forget it. This led to an ever-repeating pattern. I would be faced with my weakness, the knot would form, and I would either run to her, in my weak state and make my case for sympathy for her to release it, or allow my mind to employ a variety of defense mechanisms to forget its emotional impact. The second coping mechanism was originally the more difficult to detect but was center in my attention that day. The original mechanism was the reasoning of the ego, an excuse creating mechanism. It was not my weakness, it was someone else’s perception, their madness, not mine. For a long time, it was my strongest defense, but as I learned to detect it, a more insidious mechanism arose. I would assure myself I found the problem and was taking steps to solve it. This sounds all well and good, until I realized it wasn’t leading to actual change. The feeling of self-satisfaction was sufficient to resolve the knot, and also to forget the sting of its lesson. With the pain mollified and my brain having offloaded the problem on my future self, I resumed the same patterns of thinking that lead me to make poor decisions in the first place, thus the pattern repeats again. And with the usual path, the first coping mechanism of running to my partner to ask for absolution, being finally recognized as the choice of child-like mentality, left me with no options to resolve it this time. This realization was made by the point being made to me that I often spoke of the emotional turmoil of a few minor childhood embarrassments, but being faced with my weaknesses repeatedly as an adult failed to illicit even the same level of response, much less the stronger reaction it deserved. So, first factor, recognition of previously unrecognized methods of self-amelioration, forcing me to look for a new path.
Change Factor 2 – Embrace the suck, especially if others had to.
Second factor, forcing myself to look my weakness in the eye. Deciding against trying to unwind the knot, deciding my partner had paid the price for its resolution too long, I resolved to carry it despite its discomfort. I can thank my previous attempts at enduring discomfort (cold water training, fear facing) with opening that path to me. But it was still an act of willpower that would drain me, regardless I resolved to move forward carrying it. So, I then took steps to ensure this choice would not be questioned by my mental doubters. It was also pointed out that one habit of weakness was avoiding eye contact when I felt corrected. So, for the first time I looked myself in the eye and spoke directly to my doubters to tell them to back off. A momentary win, but revealed a larger problem. I could see the expression of fear and looming failure in my face, my eyes. I tried in vain to alter it, to find a way to smile or at least appear impassive, but to no avail. With every attempt the look of fearful passivity remained in my eyes. I looked weak to myself, and so I felt weary of the knot, starting to hear the voices of doubt that anything could ever change.
Change Factor 3 – Someone has walked this path before, follow them.
But then I recalled the third factor, an example of determination to emulate. When discussing what the nature of this being stronger looked like, my resourceful partner said the Captain of the Lewis and Clark from the horror film, Event Horizon, played by Lawrence Fishburne. Methodical, patient, yet decisive, haunted by the pain of former failure that gave him determination to do better. I replayed the character in my head looking for examples of how he dealt with the challenges before him, and found an interesting commonality, one that existed among many of his characters. An expression of patient determination. Eyes focused but untensed, jaw forward but ponderous, a look that spoke of quiet strength of will. Previously, under the aegis of my lifelong emotional shield, I had refused to consider emulating anyone. Any exercises in who you would like to be for a day were met with derision as the answer was myself and no one else of course. The emotional shield refused to allow comparison, as that meant proper measurements of my own merits, which meant the potential to fall short, and so the potential to improve was forgone for blissful ignorance. But that shield was dropped last year and the slow journey to reconnect with the emaciated emotional core within has finally allowed me to consider the validity of male role models. However, I had still never found ones that quite clicked, all felt too soft, or too bro-ish, to be me. But in Mr. Fishburne I found what I was looking for, an expression of refined male energy that agreed with me.
Change result – Transmutation of emotional weights.
And so, with these three factors clicking into place, something remarkable shifted within me. With the first I searched for a new path. With the second I decided that path was to endure long term discomfort. And with the third came the expression of determination to make that happen. As I adopted the expression, a psycho-somatic response followed. I felt a change in my walk, my stance, my breath, and with that a shift in the knot. It released, but not into an ephemeral nothing like previous times I had “decided” on a way forward, but into a burning weight. It felt like a rope knot in chest was burned away revealing an iron weight within that rolled forward and settled into my solar plexus. This was a new sensation but it felt “right”. As the day progressed I noticed a number of changes had occurred. The feeling of weight in my plexus did not feel like a burden, but rather a source of gravity that moved with me. With it I felt the urge to walk slower, more purposeful. In fact, every action seemed slower, with more weight behind it. This “weight” made me feel denser, stronger, immovable, in both my actions and my thoughts, as if I truly carried a black hole with me. I felt as if I subtly altered the reality of the world as I move through it.
Such a feeling already has a name, the word we use is gravitas. And I felt I had finally found it. With it my mind quieted, I felt thoughtful, assured, and purposeful. And it wasn’t a willpower challenge either. The new feelings “fit” and I felt bulwarked against the world’s irritations. As mentioned anxiety was down, replaced by sense of robustness, but also physical weakness was lessened. I found pain sensitivity was down, I felt more solid and moved as such. I felt more self-disciplined and able to resist urges to give into temptations and frustration. I think the increase in willpower and pain threshold stemmed from two major outcomes of this new emotional paradigm shift allowed me to implement.
First Outcome of a new path – Stand tall together.
The first outcome was a change in the aforementioned fear of not having the outlet of sharing my emotional concerns. This was from a false narrative that many couples deal with and a false narrative within myself. The first false narrative was that I needed to be completely understood. This not only fed the previously mentioned excuse mechanism by attempting to say, “If I am understood, then I am absolved.” but also fed a misunderstanding among couples that complete sharing brings greater intimate bonding. So, by holding back my need to be “completely” understood, I would shut down the mechanism that looked to find excuses, and with intimacy broke a cycle of enabling self-weakness in order to share, which itself became a barrier to true feelings of intimacy. That notion deserves a larger explanation, but suffice to say that by shutting down the path that allowed a man-child to constantly run to “mommy” to feel safe from the big bad world, the child found its own strength and was able to grow up and be a better individual partner that can connect without dependency. This was the false narrative I did not realize I was perpetuating within myself. I felt I was not strong enough to deal with emotional turmoil on my own, it had to be acknowledged, shared, analyzed, and allowed to “be” in a misunderstanding of emotional well-being. This new sense of determination allowed me to acknowledge the emotion, and then simply let the turmoil go. An act of decisiveness. And with this new sense active I found myself feeling less turmoil anyway, the effect of a focused mind. A far cry from the false bravado and calm I displayed with my emotional shield in place, which simply avoided the emotion and buried it to my detriment later.
Second outcome of a new path – Clarity of mind.
The second outcome was the increased mindfulness I have been seeking but never achieved at this level. With the new sense I felt as everything waited just little longer to be dealt with, even if it required action in seconds. Perhaps it increases brain processing cycles by not spending them on anxiety and doubt. But the constant fear of making mistakes or being seen as foolish dissipated. Instead I felt confident that I really could think something through, analysis a situation and act accordingly. This is also what accounts for the increased pain tolerance. I recognize an injury or irritation as informational and a task to be dealt with rather than a chance to garner sympathy. This complaining less actually leads to not feeling the need to complain. Things become sorted as needed to be addressed and who can best address them, leading to better couple flow as well. And mentioning flow I even found myself being able to enter personal flow more easily again.
Change warnings – Step carefully and to avoid the well-worn.
So, a potential sea change in behavior from a seemingly small decision, but I know it won’t turn my life around without keeping that mindfulness up. The excuse mechanisms and sit there in the back waiting for their chance, along with the pleaser tendencies (its own topic to be explained in depth). The very next morning they showed themselves. I was sleepy, stumbling out of bed and bumbling in a rush trying to make the coffee “first” to show off what a good person I am to my mental detractors. I was moving weakly, sleepily, an appeal for sympathy for anyone watching (to include myself, I later realized). After further messing up my good intentions by making several mistakes, which got the excuse mechanisms ramping up, I caught myself. The excuse system now felt wrong thankfully and it caught my conscious attention, so stopped and took a few minutes to gather myself.
Thankfully that’s all it took. A mental decision to make operating in a calm and prepared manner the priority, and it changed the way I have woken up every day since. I wake up and just stop. A pause I decide on before I go to sleep that allows me to center before I get moving. It puts me in control before my automatic mechanisms start up, leaving me a constant mental step behind, and just reacting to everything. After that, every move I make feels made with decisiveness and purpose. It really changes how you feel about the depth of control you have in your life.
The Paradigm Shift – From SuperMecha to Gargoyles.
Before I used to joke that waking up felt like watching a sci-fi show about giant robots, and there was this whole mission control team, announcing stage by stage of systems coming online as this lumbering giant attempts to get moving. While that may have been seen as just an imaginative way to describe the mental state of non-morning sci-fi fan, I realize it also belies how little control I felt I had. I felt as this tiny pilot struggling to get a huge mechanism moving, waiting for inevitable system failure warnings, constantly troubleshooting and rerouting, a clamor of voices shouting out information as I struggled to keep up. I felt my task was simply to manage these voices better, and since the removal of the emotional shield (indirectly) reduced some of the chaos and cacophony of voices, I thought I was on my way. But the sense of determination has done far better. I feel whole and quiet. The act of waking up now feels simply like shaking off obstacles to operation, I get up, remove them and I am good to go. Very similar actions, wake up, wash up, start the day, but very different outcome. The change being that it feels like the removal of external hindrances, not struggling to get the internal working, and it becomes obvious as I exit the washroom. I was not a morning person. It used to take me an hour and half to get to decent mental state. Now, I’m ready as soon I walk out, solid and just shaking the dust off, as in a very Saturday morning different show.
What will you draw into your orbit…
So now I can stroll about humming a tune, a weight of determination behind every step, as I face the world with my own personal center of gravity. The world feels very different when you realize you can affect it too.
In the dark recesses of your mind the sabotuers hide…
One my first major recent breakthroughs was the recognition that not all the voices I heard giving me advice wanted me to succeed. They actually had different agendas and feelings towards the tasks at hand masked behind the curtain of my subconscious. As one becomes more self-aware and more-connected to the inner emotional minds one can begin to recognize the subtle flavors of emotion intermingling just below your conscious mind. A cesspool of unresolved and unprocessed memories and mindstates that linger back there and slowly seep into your thinking processes changing the values you place on certain thoughts and priorities until you find yourself saying and doing things completely antithetical to your stated goals.
They laugh when you cry…
I first recognized a saboteur I’ll call wormtongue, during an argument with my spouse. I was being particularly stubborn and angry during that conversation and my spouse could tell nothing was getting through. I was full of self-rightous hurt and was not about to be proven wrong no matter what insane logic I had to put forward to make it so. My spouse had enough and made clear something had to change as this method of communication was untenable. As I heard her, my mind became frantic as I realized I had stepped off the deep end. Voices scrambled to and fro trying to backpeddle to trying to find what went wrong in the train of thought that lead us to here. All shout and searched, except for one who stayed back. One who stayed quiet and just smiled. One my newer tools, the nascent emotional self-reflection, noticed the smiling lurker and sounded the alarm. Suddenly I was angry and turned on wormtongue as would any outsider who sought to sabotage me. As I turned him away I found myself thinking clearer, logic making more sense, and avenues of change opening up.
Their whispers don’t always sound the same…
As I got better at self-reflection I began to recognize Wormtongue’s voice and was able to filter out his suggestions I thought I was finally getting free of the saboteurs. But then one day I noticed myself getting irritated and emotionally disconnected from my spouse for no discernible reason. I questioned my thoughts? Did I have something on my mind? Yes work, but that was not it. A list of errands to run? Yes, but that was not it either. My own hobbies falling to the wayside? Yes, but that wasn’t it either. The emotional of irritation was not connected to any of those. It was a vague feeling of entitlement combine with lack of appreciation. Why did I feel unappreciated? My spouse has always been very appreciative, was continuing to be so of late, so why. I search that entitled dissatisfaction and there I found wormtongue again. Rather than make subtle suggestions during arguments to cause me to derail myself in twisted logic, he switched tactics and began to feed feelings of entitlement to lead to sense of general dissatisfaction. It went from a gnarled voice of whispers to a petulant background whining.
Maybe we just give in…
As I learn that so much of my subconscious is ruled by unresolved mindstates I sought to actually take the time to listen to wormtongue and try to resolve his goals. It was not as resolving as I hoped. At first it seemed he just wanted my relationships to end. To end the discomfort of dealing with emotion, something I was not, admittedly, well equipped to handle. But I asked “what then?”
“Then we end work to end the discomfort of toil.”
“And then?”
“Then we end hobbies to end the discomfort of longing.”
“And then?”
“Then we end us to put an end to any further suffering.”
“Well that doesn’t sound like a good route”
It seemed that wormtongue was almost of a personification of extreme nihilism. and from there I decided he had nothing to offer.
But I can sense there are others and one must be wary for those suggestions, that might feel right in the moment, may the wrong ones for our long term goals.
